Monday, September 6, 2010

Hazardous curves

Why is being curvy so problematic?!

I've been doing a lot of online shopping, er, browsing (very little purchasing going on with my income!), lately and have purchased a few things in-store as well (I rarely shop, so my recent habits are scaring me a bit). Clothes are beginning to catch my eye and I'm starting to pay attention to what I wear more often. Plus, I've had to keep an eye out for boutfits (what I wear when I'm playing announcer/crowd wrangler for roller derby bouts) and dresses for my cousin's upcoming bachelorette party & wedding.

I'm getting increasingly frustrated with sizing. I don't feel as big as retailers size me. I'm a woman. I have curves. I hate that I constantly have to buy things 1-2 sizes up because of my boobs or thighs. Did Kate Moss screw up our perception of how women are built by THAT much?! Are all clothes meant to wear like a 2nd skin?! I think retailers are failing if their clothes make consumers feel like shit because clothing becomes more hassle than joy. Maybe that's just me.

I'm a bit heavier than the average American woman (avg is 63.8 inches, 164lbs, 37" waist and I'm 65" tall, more than 164lbs, with a 34" waist), but I think I'm healthier than the average American woman. I understand obesity is an epidemic in this country, but I'm not obese (seriously, my BMI is not in the obese range)- I'm just not built like a 13 year old! Am I doomed to wear frumpy, boring clothing because I'm not tween-sized? I'm 23! I'm still young enough to have fun with my clothes!

Health over vanity: a family value

I come from a very blue-collar family. I can only think of 1 person in my giant extended family (my mom is 1 of 7) that pays attention to fashion. External beauty & vanity were never something that was paid particular attention to. Good grades, support, love, hard work, laughter, experiences over possessions- those are some of the things that matter.

I was always a "chunky" kid- I was on steroid treatments for severe asthma through most of my childhood (and occasionally still have to use them in the winter when my asthma flares up badly), which caused me to retain weight & had the oh-so-lovely side effect of increased appetite. I got used to the teasing. I got used to not wearing what everyone else was wearing. I got used to always being the bigger girl in the group. Clothes were a necessity, not a pleasure. I dreaded shopping. I was never really into fashion/makeup or other traditionally "girlie" pursuits, so it never really phased me.

I don't have any particularly thin people in my family (at least not the women!). We're all a bit fluffy, and in a couple cases (like mine!), we're BUSTY. I'm naturally pretty muscular, so it's not like I was all fluff. I learned to love the strength that came from my fuller thighs. I relished conquering physical challenges that some of the smaller girls would bat their eyelashes and ask a male to do it for them. I have my mom to credit for this- growing up, it was usually just her, myself and little sister, so we learned to handle handiwork, yardwork, moving heavy things, etc. It was empowering. And I discovered my body, no matter what size it was, made it possible for me to do these things.

I've never been stick thin. At my smallest in my adult life (roughly 3 years ago), I was a size 4 & weighed about 125 lbs (I'm 5'5" so this is on the higher end of the "healthy" spectrum for my height). Even at my smallest, I was self critical. I was never as small as or built like my friends in college (even at my smallest, I had boobs, hips and thick thighs).

But then I discovered roller derby.

The women I skated with were just that- WOMEN. They had curves. They had asses ANYONE would envy (that's what happens when you hold a squat for 5 hours a week!). They were strong, confident, unabashedly sexy and comfortable in their skin, no matter what size they were. I've skated with girls as short as 4'10" and as tall as 6'4"- roller derby takes all types.

I felt like a badass on the track. When the crowd roared or cheered, it was invigorating.

I came to love my body and accept yet another amazing thing it could do.

I'm currently quite a bit bigger than I was at my thinnest (weight gain was a side effect of a medication I was on, but I didn't notice until it was too late grrrrr), but I don't particularly feel it, if that makes sense... I do, however, feel like shit when I see a photo of myself or have trouble fitting into clothes I could wear a year ago.

So it starts now. Serious change is on the horizon. More to come...

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Day 10: One confession

I totally failed at the 10-day challenge :( Sometimes I just can't get to a computer every day!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Day 8: Three turn-ons

1. Kissing. Goosebumps or butterflies in my stomach are always good.

2. Laughter and/or intellectual conversation

3. The right touch. Hand on the waist, play with my hair, etc...

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Day 6: Five people who mean a lot

In no order, whatsoever...

1. My momma

2. My boyfriend

3. My maternal grandfather

4. Blunk, Tawdry (my 2 besties- I couldn't chose 1 or the other!)

5. Little sistermonster

Monday, August 30, 2010

Day 5: Six things I wish I'd never done

I don't like to live with regrets, so this is very tough. I consider each mistake in life a serious learning experience.

1. Gotten into the habit of working too much, sacrificing my social life and at times, academics.

2. Gotten involved with THAT guy... ladies, you all know you have one...

3. Jumped into roller derby while still in school. I should have followed my plan & waited until I graduated.

4. Let my weight yo-yo. I was always a heavy kid, lost 30 lbs. between graduating high school & my sophomore year of college. A couple months ago, I was at my heaviest EVER, 70 lbs. more than my thinnest weight (3 years ago). Part of it is a medication side effect (no longer on!), but I'm to blame as well.

5. Permed my hair... hahaha. Not my choice, really... mom had it done when I was a kid.

6. Rushed into "adulthood" as a kid/teen. You never get those years back. There's plenty of time to drink, party, be independent, push the limits, etc. once you're an adult.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Day 4: Seven things that cross my mind a lot

1. I really need to get a full time, salaried job with benefits.

2. I'm hungry. What should I eat? I should cook more often. 

3. I need to go shopping... ugh.

4. I need a vacation.

5. I wonder how (insert friend or family member's name) is doing... I've been worried about them.

6. I wanna skate... I wanna go work out. But I have too much other crap to do :(

7. What else did I leave off my to-do list? I know it's a mile long and... OH look! Something shiny!

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Day 3: Eight ways to win my heart

1. Make me laugh. Genuinely. And frequently.
2. Must be a good kisser. Butterflies in the stomach are key.
3. Get creative. Surprise me.

4. Be kind to my family & friends.Try to get to know them.
5. Hold your own in intellectual conversations. Make me think. 

6. Be decisive, but open. I hate to always be the one that decides what activity we do, where to eat, etc.

7. Cook for me... or at least with me.

8. Tell me I'm beautiful. Get specific. Mean it.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Day 2: NINE things about yourself

1. I'm the oldest, youngest, middle and only child. Seriously. Lemme 'splain... I'm the only child my mother & father had together, the oldest of my Mom's kids (half sister is 6.5 years younger), the youngest of my father's kids (half sister is 10 years older), and the middle child in the house I grew up in most of the time (younger sister, step brother is 7 years older).

2. I'm pretty much obsessed with everything vintage/retro- especially things from the 40's-60's. Hair, makeup, clothes, movies, cars, ads, art, etc... I've been told throughout my life I'm an old soul and was born in the wrong decade.

<---------Marilyn Monroe in How To Marry A Millionaire

3. I'm a nerd. I love learning about anything and everything- I'm like a giant knowledge sponge. I love reading, researching and experiencing everything I can. I'm also the 1st person in my family to attend & graduate from a university (I have a BA in corporate communication and a BS in human development & family studies).

4. I've been a dancer all my life (classically trained ballerina, etc. and can definitely hold my own at the clubs!), was a gymnast and cheerleader, but never played a real team sport until I started playing roller derby when I was 20.

5. I've lived in 11 different states (military family), but consider myself to have dual home-state citizenship between Texas & California ;)

6. I really want a Havanese or Coton de Tulear. I love our pitbull, Brody, but she's so big & sheds... bad for my allergies & asthma :( I'm more of a "dog person" but I don't hate cats. Cotons & Havanese are "hypoallergenic." And they're really freaking cute!

Havanese pups------------------>

7. I'm a tea snob. Similar to how some people are coffee/beer/wine snobs... I have standards ;)

8. I've never taken any kind of drug that wasn't prescribed to me or even smoked a cigarette. One of my biggest fears in life if being addicted to anything...

9. I'm naturally blond... seriously. Redhead by choice!

<------- Here's proof!

I don't usually dye my hair in the summer because it fades so fast and the summer before/at the beginning of my sophomore year of college, I really let it go too long... just check out those long blond roots, faded red dye job from before and virtually invisible eyebrows (they're present, just really light)! Needless to say, this was when I wore next to no makeup... in my pre-glam era...

Much love :)

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Day 1: TEN things you want to say to ten different people right now

In no particular order...

10. I love and admire you. I consider myself extremely lucky to have you in my family. You're one of the few positive male role models I've had in my life. I don't want you to be in pain. I want you to know that things will be ok if you let go. It's selfish of us to want you to hold on and stay when you're so uncomfortable.

9. I can't believe how much you've changed. It hasn't been for the better. I expected you to do great things, but now, I'm kind of disappointed that you're throwing so much away.

8. I love you. I can't picture my life without you. I've invested so much in us and wouldn't have it any other way. I am a better person because of you. I wish you would propose already so I could quit living in limbo.

7. I really wanted our friendship to work, but you kind of suck. And I regret wasting so much energy on you.

6. You surprise me. I honestly didn't think you'd turn out this way. I'm proud of you and I envy you. I wish I had lived as extremely as you. I think I missed out.

5. You've hurt me so bad and psychologically screwed me up more than you could ever fathom. You betrayed me. I'm totally disillusioned. Because of you, I can't drink, I'm uncomfortable in social situations, I feel awkward around "friends," I can't remember the last time I genuinely had fun and I've developed serious personal issues. Your actions brought all kinds of old baggage to the surface. I hope what you did plagues your conscience for all eternity. You'll never understand.

4. You inspire and intimidate me. I wish I could be half of what you are. I wish I could have your motivation, discipline and prowess. I envy you more than you'll ever know.

3. I expected so much more of you. I don't know how you got so far off track. You could have been something amazing... and who knows, maybe you'll surprise me. Either way, I love you and I always will.

2. I hate you. But I know you're a miserable person who has no positive legacy whatsoever and that was your choice. I know I'm awesome, no thanks to you. You missed out. Your loss.... But money would be nice...

1. You are the most amazing person I have ever known. You made me who I am today. You'll never grow up. I'll always be the adult. That's ok. I can't change you and frankly, don't want to. I value your imperfections, your humanity. I am lucky to know you.

... that was harder than I thought!!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

10 day challenge

Found this from the lovely Jazziebabycakes and figured it would be a good way to get me into the routine of blogging... haven't decided if today or tomorrow will be Day 1, but either way, here's the 10-day challenge if you're interested in giving it a go :)
  • Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
  • Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
  • Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
  • Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
  • Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
  • Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
  • Day Seven: Four turn offs.
  • Day Eight: Three turn ons.
  • Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
  • Day Ten: One confession.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Bumps, spots and other imperfections...

I'm white. Like, really pale. I shame the term "Caucasian." I have so many freckles that I look like a low contrast dalmatian. I have moles galore and am pretty sure I should go see a dermatologist soon, but that's out of the question until I get some kind of insurance and a more stable income...

While I've come to love my skin and essentially appreciate what I have to work with physically, I am still far from perfect. I don't think people show or talk about their flaws/differences enough- especially in the beauty/cosmetic world.

A few of my major skin issues:
  • Eczema (really uncomfortable, dry, itchy, red, rash-like bumps that appear periodically in patches)
  • Redness (thanks to my western European heritage and lack of melanin)
  • Broken capillaries (at least I think that's what the red dots are...)
  • Fine lines (started to notice them around my eyes lately & wrinkles on my forehead for a couple years because I have an expressive face & raise my eyebrows too much)
  • Dark under eye circles (not terrible, but there)
  • Thin skin (so many of my veins are visible, I could be a vascular anatomy model)
  • Freckles & moles (if I wear full-coverage foundation, I look like I'm wearing a mask)
  • Acne (I have combination skin and combination acne, but it's not too bad- blackheads on my nose & chin that I can't ever get rid of, and the occasional white head)
  • Callouses (I was a dancer for 15+ years, ran around barefoot a lot as a child, developed a writer's callous, etc.- so pedicures & manicures are usually a waste on me)
A few skin-related things I consider myself lucky about:
  • My acne is very mild
  • My eczema is controlled most of the time so most people don't notice
  • Scars (I have a lot of scars from childhood tomboy-related injuries, surgeries, acne, etc., but most aren't keloids and remind me of some particular moment in time, so I wear them with pride)
  • Freckles (they make me different and I'm all for individuality... plus in moments of pure boredom, I can try to find constellations among the dots!)
  • Thin skin (anytime I need to have blood taken, they never have trouble finding a vein!)
  • Callouses (I've worked to get these and they ensure I don't get blisters in those spots)
  • My skin is sensitive, but I rarely have severe allergic reactions to cosmetic products/scents/soaps, etc.
...And dammit, wouldn't you know it- here goes my ADHD kicking in. I can't remember where I was going with this :( So, rather than not post it because it's imperfect or incomplete, like I have with every blog I've ever done before, I'm putting it up anyway- in honor of my imperfections...


Sunday, August 22, 2010

Hopping on the bandwagon

I've been in pretty desperate need of a creative outlet and the relative anonymity of starting a blog seems like a decent jump off point, so here I am!I have dubbed myself the "Queen of Randomness" and that's pretty much what you can expect from this blog. I've decided I'm doing this for nobody but myself. Selfish? Perhaps. But I think everyone is entitles to 1 self-serving interest in their lives. This shall be mine :)

A couple topics I frequently think or feel the need to write about:
  • Makeup Hair
  • Vintage/retro style
  • Weight loss
  • Learning to love yourself
  • Finding myself
  • Age
  • Healthy living
  • Food
  • Depression
  • Adult ADHD
  • Love
  • Loss
  • Sports
  • Roller derby
  • Volunteering/Nonprofit work
  • Starting my career
  • Relationships
  • Psycho-analysis
  • Personal drama
  • Family
  • Travel
  • Money
  • Wine
  • YouTube
  • Twitter
  • Creativity
  • Couponing
...and that's a start! I just had to do an introductory post so I could get this random train rolling... it just didn't feel right otherwise.

Much Love.